i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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