i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
