I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I need moral support for this bender
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
