Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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