Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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