i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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