upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
