I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
