had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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