That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
