You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
