Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
