did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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