At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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