Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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