Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
