I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize