So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
