I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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