I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
