guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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