He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
