Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
