Non-Jews are for practice
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
