I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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