So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
