Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
