She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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