i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
then he tried to convert me to islam
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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