he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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