Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
