I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
