My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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