Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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