Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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