She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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