It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
