Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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