Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
