She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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