hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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