Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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