I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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