So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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