I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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