By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
