The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
did i just pee glitter
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
