U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
