thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
