There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
