i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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