Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
