My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
