he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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