Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
