There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
