you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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