the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
