My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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