My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
