Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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