The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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